'I became a Buddhist after a Schoolies trip to Thailand.' The guest speaker was tanned and had wide shoulders that strained at the seams of his navy suit. He reminded me of Brad Pitt's wax figure in Madame Tussauds Museum down near Darling Harbour. Back in Year 8, we had a day collecting donations for the Cancer Council. My best friend Tammy and I snuck into the wax museum instead. Tammy pretended to marry Brad Pitt and I pretended to marry Bruce Willis. A thousand people came to our joint wedding at Crystal Palace in Canley Heights. Under the plastic chandeliers, the DJ played 'Time After Time' by Cindy Lauper. Bruce and I intertwined our arms and poured whiskey into each other's mouths while Tammy made out with Brad. A big security guy with skulls tattooed on his neck ambled over. His nametag read 'Fetu'.'